I tried to rationalize reasons why I would get upset. Maybe something happened to me when I was younger that has made me bitter. Maybe I was treated unfairly by someone and I am always upset about it in my subconscious. Perhaps I am upset that my teams are always losing.
These thoughts are wrong. They are weak excuses. I have an anger problem. I have a very short fuse. Not many things make me angry. But when something does I go from zero to yelling in a few seconds. I haven't wanted to realize it.
This weekend while we were driving around Denver the girls were making fun of me for being moody. They all read my analysis and laughed about how right it was. Taleah did some analysis of their handwriting and I was teasing them right back. Enonge is demanding. Shannice is high maintenance. Vernae is abrupt. Azriel likes to skip (hard to believe that your handwriting can show that).
It was all fun and games until something that I had planned didn't go the exact way that I wanted it to. We had left the program to go get something to eat when Taleah made me turn the bus around. A buddy of hers had just arrived at the convention center and she wanted me to go back and pick her up. I knew that this was going to lose us valuable minutes. I knew that we were about to beat the traffic and if we went back we would be stuck in it. It was an inconvenience for us to turn around. In a weird moment I actually felt anger rising through my body. Going back to pick the person up wasn't a big deal. But it was throwing us off of our plan that afternoon. Since everyone had been making fun of the fact that I get angry I was able to notice it in myself.
Sunday evening I was sitting in my cave waiting for the best night in TV to start. I don't watch TV often. I watch the Royals lose. I watch Basketball. I watch Sunday night television. My shows were about to start in 10 minutes when my beautiful wife came down the stairs. "Can I watch my show?" Right as she said that anger started to pump through my body. I had been waiting to watch these shows and I was trying to go to sleep early. Doesn't she know that my shows are coming on? Doesn't she know that I have been waiting to watch these shows all day? I am ashamed to admit that I lost it for about three minutes. I wined and complained and was frustrated. I tried to convince her about how unfair it was for her to do this to me (Wow...writing this down really makes me seem like a tool). As I was feeling the anger fill my body I realized that it was happening. I stopped in my tracks. I got quiet for a second and sat there in disgust with myself.
How many times have I been in an argument and not realized that I was losing it for no reason? How many times have I lost my cool when I thought that I was just being treated unfairly? The good thing about the handwriting test is that I was able to look at myself for a second and realize how I wasn't acting rationally and my anger was getting the best of me.
I have an anger problem. I know that it is wrong. I have had it since the 7th grade. I've blown up many times before. This weekend was the first time that I saw it. It was eye opening. It was embarrassing. No choice but to get healed.
2 comments:
A true man comes clean and speaks honestly. This is one of the many reasons why I respect you, Richard. Man card? THIS is the proper use of a man card. God bless you and your lovely wife and great friends. You sir, are always in my prayers. It's SO great to see some of that proof of God's craftsmanship in you, my brother.
"God doesn't want us to be shy with his gifts, but bold and loving and sensible." (2 Timothy 1:7)
You have taken the first step in healing the anger.
Read the following four steps:
Step 1 - You have accepted that you have an anger problem.
Step 2 - You have to accept that you cannot heal yourself, you cannot fight this battle - you are not strong enough. It does not matter how hard you try, you cannot do it. God has to fight this battle for you.
Step 3 - Give it to God. Tell Him that you realize that you cannot obtain this victory apart from Him. He must take this anger from you. He will obtain the victory and you will be able to praise Him for His healing power.
Step 4 - When He heals you, do not boast for something He did. We cannot boast about anything except for the cross.
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