“Take off the Sex Goggles” Richard writes 2,143 words on Sex. (I Love Sex)

Disclaimer: This is a really long column. The length of the column is stupit. It may be easier to read it if you print it out and put it next to your toilet. If you are in/about to be in/getting out of a relationship, I beg you to read it. If you have any questions about this, hit me up.

Why do I care?

I am not an expert on life. I have had the benefit of being around smart people that know more about life then I do. I have benefited from listening to them and following their advice. Most of what I think and know about this subject I didn't come up with. When I was younger I was told some things and now that I am older I have found that those things have been true. Also being in a college environment for 10 years has allowed me to witness and take part in many different kinds of relationships.

I care about my friends. I see my friends making mistakes, mistakes so critical that it will hurt them in the future. I want my friends to be happy. I am saying this not to sound like I know a lot or that I want to write something controversial, but because maybe someone will read this and learn something that maybe they didn't know before. Maybe something I will say will make sense to someone. I hope that's the case.

There was a guy I knew in college that was really fun to be around. Everyone liked to be around him. However, he dated a girl that treated him terribly. She was pretty, but also known for being extremely mean to everyone, especially him. One time, my friend and I had accidentally gotten stuck riding in the car with this guy and his girlfriend. It was awful. We couldn't help but feel bad for him as his girlfriend yelled and criticized him about his driving. He was a really laid back person and he sat there taking it like a champ. I myself being the opposite of laid back couldn't understand why he would hang in there and take this abuse.

The day we found out that they were engaged everybody felt bad for him. Nobody thought that they were going to make it. How in the world can everybody on campus know that this marriage had no chance except for the couple? Talk about a delicate situation.

This guy was my friend but we didn't hang out. I couldn't tell him that I thought his girlfriend was the meanest girl of all time and that she was going to make his life miserable. I prayed that he knew something that the rest of us didn't know, but in the long run we were right. That couple ended up splitting within two years of marriage.

Why didn't he see this coming? Why did he marry her? This relationship was doomed from the beginning because she was not the right person for him to marry. They split up because they married the wrong people. They didn't know each other. Sex got in the way.

Sex: the game changer

Outside the context of marriage sex is a very dangerous thing. No, I am not talking about STD's or pregnancy. I am talking about what it does to relationships. Here is the situation: You have been dating someone for about five months. Your dating life consists of watching movies on your laptop and making out. Early on, you get too physical too soon. It's hard to backtrack from that. You are human. When you think about the future this person you are dating is not in the picture. You don't know how long this relationship is going to last.

But then you start having sex. This is the game changer. Sex is going to add something to this relationship that really isn't there in the first place. As you have heard or know there is an emotional attachment to someone if you have sex with them. This is how it is supposed to be. God created it this way. However, he created it for the context of marriage. Now these two people that kind of sort of liked each other have an emotional attachment to each other. From that point on sex is the biggest part of their relationship. Sex takes over. It is hard to really get to know someone if all you want to do is have sex with them. Sex has bonded this relationship together. It would have been easy to break up before you had sex. It will be extremely difficult to break up with them now. Why? 'Cause truth be told breaking up is terrible.

There is an old song that says "breaking up is hard to do". Seinfeld once compared breaking up with someone to pushing over a refrigerator. You don't get it on the first push. You have to get it rocking with a couple pushes to finally knock it over. Now I am writing this from the Adventist student perspective. Someone in the world might not have any problems breaking up with someone if they have had sex with them. But for an Adventist it isn't that easy. You are not planning on jumping from relationship to relationship. Why would you break up now? You are having sex now. Can't walk away from that. But having sex puts the blinders on.

Sex Goggles

When dating someone it is very important to have pay attention. There is an old saying about dating and marriage that says "When dating someone keep both eyes open and when you are married keep both eyes closed. You have to study the person. See what they are like in every situation. It is interesting that instead of really paying attention to the person you are dating most people now make excuses for them and act like there is nothing wrong. That is a different topic. Sex makes people ignore the problems that are staring them in the face. Sex causes you to not be able to see things clearly. It adds elements to a dating relationship that shouldn't be there in the first place.

Sharing something so personal with someone that has no commitment to you whatsoever is a very scary and vulnerable thing. Once you have shared that your relationship is on a different level. It isn't supposed to be on that level. That level is reserved for people that have vowed to never leave each other, for people that have committed everything they have to the relationship.

Now you are viewing your relationship through sex goggles. These goggles make it hard to see the situation objectively. Your relationship is now based on emotions and feelings that might not be true or accurate.

Let's add it up:

These three things cause you to ignore all of the signs and warnings that the relationship you are in is bad; the person that you are dating isn't the right person. You'll get to your senior year of college where everyone expects you to get married and you can't break up. You don't really know the person that well, but you think you do. There is so much pressure to get married because as an Adventist it's assumed that you aren't having sex. You get married. Then comes reality.
How important is sex?

I have been married for three years. Looking back at the day I got married I wonder how much I knew about Natalie then. Compared to what I know now it is nothing. I knew that we had a strong foundation. I knew that we had the same beliefs in how we wanted to live life. And I knew that we were crazy about each other. That is what I knew. I don't think I knew to much more.

One time I asked Buell Fogg if he knew what he was doing when he got married. His response "Heck no, I just thought it was a good idea." If sex was covering all of the signs that you shouldn't be together, marriage will not be so kind. Sex doesn't cover up if your spouse is a jerk. You get who you get. Maybe you end up with someone you didn't know. Then your life is miserable. Nobody wants to be miserable.

A buddy of mine and I were having a conversation about marriage. He was telling me about this girl that he had been dating off and on for three years. They fought a lot. Even through all the difficulties he was explaining to me that they still had great physical chemistry. That was something that he thought was important. Everyone thinks that's important, until they find out that it is not.

The night before I got married my boys took me out to a restaurant. We had a good time chilling and talking about the old times. After that their whole goal was to embarrass me. They took me around the city to do different tasks. For the final event of the evening I had to walk around the Plaza in Kansas City asking couples this question "What is the key to a happy marriage?"

I had to ask five married couples and five dating couples. The answers were pretty hilarious. Most every single one of the dating couples said something about keeping your sex life fun. "Keep your sex life interesting" and "Keep the bedroom crazy" is what I heard a lot of. The married couples had a different opinion. They actually gave real advice like "make sure she feels that you love and respect her". "Keep your clothes off of the floor." The most common one was "Don't go to bed angry". You can see that there are two completely different perspectives from these groups; one in the dreamy world of dating, the other in the reality of marriage. I found a lot of insight from those people walking around the plaza.

When you get married sex is not going to be there to save your marriage. Sex is not going stop you from having arguments. If you are having an argument with your wife she isn't going to want to touch you. Trust me.

Sex isn't going to hide who the person you are married to is. And to everyone's surprise it isn't the most important part of marriage. It isn't in the top 3 things that are important about marriage. I would have never thought of that before I got married. It was the number one thing that I thought about. Now I see it as it is—the shoes of the marriage (you already know how much Big Rich loves shoes).

The Kicks of Marriage

Now I'm not saying sex isn't important. But look at this way. When choosing an outfit the shoes are not the most important part, but they complete a look. Pants are very important. In most places you have to be wearing a shirt to get service. But the shoes are the part that ties everything together. You can't have a good outfit with a great shirt, great pants and bootsy shoes. You also can't have a good outfit with great shoes terrible shirt and terrible pants. It is the finishing touch or the icing on the cake. Not what your marriage or relationship is built on, but needs to complete it.

Some of you have read this whole thing (God Bless you) and have noticed that there are some good points, but it doesn't all apply to you. You say to yourself "I'm in a great relationship, I really love this person, and I know this person very well, does it really matter if we have sex before we get married?" In my opinion I feel that if you really love the person that you are dating it is more important to not have sex before you are married. Why?

The guilt and pressure of sex put strain on the relationship that made unnecessary problems. It took a good relationship and complicated it. Sex before marriage hurts good relationships and bonds bad relationships together.

Don't be fooled by sex. Don't worry about if you are going to be good at it or not. Don't worry about the chemistry you are supposed to have physically with the person you are dating. All of those things take care of themselves. God has a plan for his children to be happy. He knows how much it will hurt to have a relationship fall apart. He knows how much emotional damage sex can have on a person. He wants nothing but the best for his children.

I know that most people that want to have sex are going to have it. Hearing about the dangers of it won't scare them away. Hearing about the hurt it will cause will not concern them. But if there is anyone on the fence, if there is anyone who is wondering if they should do it and if it is that big of a deal. Let me tell you that it is a big deal. It could be the difference in marrying the right or wrong person. Please wait. You will not regret it.